Tuesday, January 17, 2012

for the men

image via weheartit

or, An Idiot's Guide to Emerie on PMS

Warning, this post is about woman issues. If that makes you uncomfortable, then you should probably read a book about ovaries.

It sneaks up on me. Like a bitchy little ninja. Due to certain medications, my cycle is not at all regular (for the first year and a half, for example, I had maybe three or four periods). I remember when I was in high school and college, I didn't suffer much from PMS. No cramps, no unexplained crankiness, no random cravings or weight gain.

Those days are gone.

I am now bitchy, crabby, emotional, clingy, in pain, and eating everything that is within arm's reach for a few days every other month or so. And it sucks. For me, and for others.

I was going to make a generic guide to PMS for people to follow in order to navigate the terrifying waters of this dark time of the month, but then not every woman is the same. So I'm going to make this a guide to dealing with my existence during that time, and just assume that these rules will help with other women in your life. Just don't quote me on it.

1. Be prepared to be confused.

I tend to be a pretty low-maintenance, laid back chick, for the most part. There are people in my life who have said I should be more high-maintenance, in fact. This, however, changes a LOT during that time of the month. I become emotionally bipolar, going from "snuggle me because I luff you" to "if you don't get the eff out of my hair I will cut you." And there will be no warning. And I feel horrible about this. Just know that after it's said and done, I'll apologize for being a dick and buy you a drink.

2. Just be impressed with the eating.

I know that a lot of guys dislike when a girl orders just a salad for dinner, and want a girl who's not afraid to dig into some hot wings without so much as a napkin. I'm one of the latter, in general. However, during this time frame, I'm less Fun B-Dubs Buddy and more Jesus Christ Is That A Black Hole? Those little Japanese hot dog eaters have nothing on me. If nothing else, capitalize on it; track my cycle, and try to figure out where there's a competitive eating competition when the time is right.

3. I'm going to cry, and you're going to have to face the fact that you can't fix it.

Men have trouble with crying women, because in my experience, men are usually more "rational, logical" creatures than women. I know that I personally tend to let my emotions rule over my common sense, and will react accordingly. I also use crying as a stress reliever, and much to my chagrin, most of my negative emotions (anger, depression, anxiety) manifest themselves in tears. And around this time, my emotions are negative 99% of the time. So when you find me curled up in the fetal position on your bed because I am just. So. Sad. Just...snuggle and let me get it out. You can't fix it, unless you have surgeon's license and can just remove my womanly innards and make this crap go away.

4. Let me twist your balls and see how you like it.

Graphic? Yes. But you have to understand; every month we know that we're looking forward to a week of nearly-constant stomach cramping. Do you realize that it's our body twisting itself to squeeze out blood and fluids? It's not a fun process, people. I've had to leave work before because it was so painful I couldn't sit up straight and was answering the phone crying. I cannot stand when men chastise me when I complain about cramps. "Oh, it's not even that bad," or "It's not like you're having a baby." ...well, you've experienced neither, so you really have no basis for comparison. Just imagine someone squeezing your genitals until something comes out, and then tell me to man up.

5. I don't expect you to pamper me, but it'll pay off if you do.

I'm an independent creature by nature, so I don't really expect to be taken care of when I'm sick. Unless I'm at my parents' house, where my parents will immediately revert back to Mommy and Daddy when I'm sick (hey, it's gotta happen sometime...). So while I might be miserable, I don't expect you to wait on me hand and foot. But I cannot tell you how far a little sweet gesture will go at this time of the month. A back massage (lower back massages relieve cramping!), grabbing a hot pad for my stomach, grabbing me some painkillers, making me dinner, even a little compliment makes dealing with this nastiness so much easier. And it'll guarantee that I'll be more than happy to take care of you the next time you're not feeling 100%.

So, there you have it. Five simple rules for dealing with PMS!Em.

Ladies, any rules you'd like to add? ^_^

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness, this is great! I'm sharing this on my Twitter. Comment, if you're not cool with it.

    I relate to all of this btw. You're not alone.