I’ve been a woman who has been unlucky in love. I’ve been dumped, I’ve been the dumper (which feels way worse, in my humble opinion, because I hate being the asshole), I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been lied to, I’ve lied. I’ve never cheated, but, y’know…to each their own.
What I haven’t been unlucky in is friendship. Sure, there’s been a few bad apples that I had to kick out of the tree along the way, and while it hurt, I’m the better for it. My friends are varied, diverse, and amazing.
Because I want every other girl in the world to be as blessed as I am in the Friend Department, I wrote this little guide to the friends that every girl needs in her life.
1. The Shopping Buddy
This. Is. Critical. You need a friend with the stamina to keep up on a shopping sprint through the mall, a mutual love of horrible-for-you-noms at the food court (hellooooo, Sbarro!), the honesty to let you know that that skirt makes you look like a two-dollar hooker, and the tact to let you know such about said skirt without making you want to cry and wear a burka forever. I might be biased, but the best shopping buddies are gay men. Think about it; they know style, they know quality, and they won’t fight you over that last pair of glittery pink Louboutins. Not because they don’t want them, it’s just that you’re not the same size. Unless you are. In which case, don’t wear dangly earrings or a weave, because that queen will rip them out yo’ head.
Typical Quote: “Yeahhhhh…let’s try that with leggings.”
2. The Showman
The Showman is the friend that appears to have no shame or any care for blending in. Bold, brassy, and quite often hilarious, they are the best friend to pull you out of your shell when you’re in a slump. He’s the friend you used to video-tape yourself with while re-enacting scenes from childhood movies (luckily I never had a camera in high school, or else there would be incriminating evidence of me doing a pretty awesome Jareth the Goblin King floating around). She’s the girl who joins you in a Tony-worth rendition of “Lady Marmalade” complete with topping your Li’l Kim pelvic thrusts with her Christina Aguilera hand thing. You need this person, because no matter what, it’s free entertainment, and you love that about them. Not going to lie…I fall into this category of friend.
Typical Quote: Anything from A Chorus Line
3. The Brother
He might be your blood brother, he might not. Related or no, every girl needs a guy she can count on that isn’t trying to get into her pants. Not every guy is trying to get into your pants, of course. Only 95%. Because you’re a hot piece of ass, little lady, and any man would be lucky to get all up in your business. Pronounced “bidness,” because I’m street. But we aren’t talking about those guys. We’re talking about that guy who has known you since you were kids, who still seems to think you may have remnant cooties and would be mortified to see you naked, but never the less is there to give you a hug and come to your rescue when you lock your keys in the car, you silly thing, you. The guy who can dish out dating advice to you but somehow manages to always boil it down to “men are scum, you are pure, stay that way so I don’t have to think about you sexin’ it up because eww.” These men are a rare breed. And…again…probably gay. You hot piece, you.
Typical Quote: “No. You are pure and pristine and you’ll never convince me otherwise.”
4. The Mannequin
The term “mannequin” does not refer to this friend’s personality. This refers to the fact that you both pretty much wear the same size, and can go into each other’s closets, pick out an outfit and it looks just as good on you as it does on her. I don’t have a true mannequin, I have two halves of a mannequin in Sara and my sister, Marley. Sara is slightly more top-heavy than me, and Marley is smaller in the hips and badonk than me, so in an ideal world, I’ll saw them in half magician-style and glue them together (with glitter glue, naturally) and have a whole new closet with things that fit me perfectly. But I won’t do that, of course. Not until we have the technology.
Typical Quote: “Let me borrow that top.”
5. Mom
This one is key. A girl needs a mom. Is it your biological mother? Maybe not. Stepmom? Grandma? Aunt? A friend’s mom? Giving birth does not a mom make. I’m lucky enough to be very close with my biological mother. She’s mother, she’s mom, she’s ma, she’s Majah. My parents are both my best friends, but there is something to be said about the bond between mother and daughter. A mom is that woman you can look up to, who you can call at three in the morning with a runny nose and tears on the pillow and she won’t be angry, who can tell you everything will be all right and even though that doesn’t fix the problem, you feel better, because Mommy said so. And if you grow up in a household like I did, Mom is always right. By the way, if you get the chance to, call up the woman you consider Mom, and tell her she’s amazing, and that you love her and appreciate everything she’s ever done for you. Moms are the most under-thanked people on earth, and it will make her day, if not her week, month, or year.
Typical Quote: “[insert your first and middle name here]!”
6. The Sister
The bond between sisters is a precarious one. My sister and I could not be more opposite, and anyone who knows us will agree with that statement. We’re both grown women now (she’s a MOMMY), and we can still find stupid, immature reasons to bicker. Within the last five years, we’ve gotten in at least one physical fight (one involving a stolen seat and pulled hair comes to mind), we’ve screamed at each other, we’ve made each other cry. But in the end, we love each other, no matter how much we deny it. Girls, you may not get along with your sister. You may call her names, you may tattle on her, she may make you want to pull your hair out. But one thing is for certain when it comes to your sister. No one gets to fuck with her except you.
Typical Quote: “MOOOOOOOOOM!”
7. The Mafia
This is the group that has your back. It could be men, women, both. They’re the ones who will throw down for you the minute you ask. I have a gang of women who will go hardcore chola on your ass if you mess with me. Sara, Marley, Meghean, and Heather will cut you. I call them my pretty little pitbulls. That’s not to say that The Mafia are cold, heartless assholes. They’re just über protective.
Typical Quote: “Want me to punch him? I’ll do it.”
8. The Paris Hilton
Sometimes, you need a friend that is amazing at going to bars. I.E., the Paris Hilton. A good-time buddy that lives in the moment, and doesn’t bring up petty drama or be a downer at bars. She karaokes, she does shots of tequila (and then does yours, because tequila is awful), she dances like a madwoman and her fun is infectious.
Typical Quote: An off-key rendition of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.”
9. The Couch Weight
At the same time…to balance out ol’ Paris up there, you need a friend who is down to polish off a carton of Superman ice cream and watch a “How I Met Your Mother” marathon in oh-so-sexy pajama pants and oversized sweatshirts.
Typical Quote: “The new season of ‘Big Bang Theory’ is on Netflix. You busy tonight?”
10. The Steel Trap
Last, but certainly not least, is The Steel Trap. Once this girl is given something, she never lets it go. She’s a confidant, a sounding board, a verbal punching bag, and a shoulder to cry on, and you never have to worry about her going off and telling this, that, and the other guy. The Steel Trap is someone you can trust, and you best be willing to be the same for her.
Typical Quote: “Pinkie promise.”
No comments:
Post a Comment