SHE'S BACK, BITCHES.

Or, for those who don't speak MouthyDragQueenese, Viva La Genesis is once again a go.

Bigger, brighter, and likely more obnoxious and snarky.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

top ten tuesday: people who can touch it

image via esjot

Okay, getting back to it! One of these days, I'm going to post everything I'm supposed to in the same week. Will it be this week? Meh. Who the hell knows.

SO. Like most people, I have celebrity crushes. A lot of celebrity crushes.

Now, I'm not a floozy. I don't sleep around, and I'm pretty darned selective when it comes to romance. But you know what? There are certain people that I would let touch it without even requiring a first date. Or a drink. Or a hello.

Top Ten People That Could Touch It

Lady Gaga

Now, let me put this out there. I am straight. Very straight. The idea of messing around with another woman's whatnot is not at all my idea of fun. And to be honest, I don't know how you hetero men and lesbians do it, because women are crazy and really scary. And that is coming from a woman who is quite frequently crazy and scary.

However. Lady Gaga could have her way with me any day of the week. I've noticed that all of my "girl crushes" are one very unique, strong, and quite-possibly-batshit-crazy women that most men would steer clear of (Ke$ha, Nicki Minaj, P!nk, etc). However, Gaga has that certain something that really draws me in. She's so bold and fearless and amazing. Also, super hot and never wears pants. Which gives her the honor of being the only lady on my Touch It list.

John Barrowman

Oh, Captain Jack, you naughty, cheeky boy.

One look at John and it's easy to see what one would let him touch it. The man is textbook. Tall, dark, handsome...and gayer than Les Cage aux Folles. Or, as he puts it, "Gold Star Gay."

As if being ridiculously attractive wasn't enough, the man sings like a bird, is a tremendous actor, and is hiiiiiiiiilarious. I had the pleasure of seeing him at a panel at C2E2, and I could not stop giggling. He seems like the nicest guy ever.

And he's pretty. Did I mention he's pretty?

Pretty.

Doctor Who

Question: Which one?

Answer: Yes.

Gerard Butler

God bless Scotland.

Note: No, I do not think he made a good Phantom. He did, however, make a good enough Phantom to bang, and that is what's important. To me. Because I'm shallow. Put Michael Crawford's voice in Gerard's body, and you have me as your naughty slave forever.

Zak Bagans

One of my favorite new traditions when I'm at my parents' house is when my mum, little sister and I all gather to watch DVR'd episodes of Ghost Adventures. We're all suckers for ghost stories (me in particular...I probably checked Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark out of my elementary school library more than the rest of the student body combined).

We're also suckers for ripped men in tight t-shirts. HEYOOOOOOOO.

My shallow is genetic.

Anyhow, Zak, at first glance, while delicious, kind of looks a little Jersey Shore. But he's really not. He seems very down-to-earth, nice, and is funny as hell. Even if he does abuse the words "bro" and "dude" a lot.

Ryan Gosling

Hey girl. I heard you want me to bang you on every surface of your house. Okay, but first, let's play with your multiple cats and knit a Hufflepuff scarf.

George Clooney

The fact that I even have to include The Clooney in this list is an outrage. Every Touch It list includes The Clooney. Because when one sees The Clooney, one should be wordless, and simply hand over one's panties to The Clooney without question.

Robert Downey Jr.

If there's one thing that I can say with certainty, is that I cannot resist a bad boy.

And RDJ is a bad boy.

My favorite thing about the Iron Man film franchise is that Robert is clearly playing himself. And himself is sex.

Johnny Depp

Here's the thing about Mr. Depp. I have a hard time lusting after him sometimes, because I idolize him so much.

Is that weird?

It's like...he's so very much my idol as far as acting goes, that he's almost untouchable.

Almost.

I'd still hit it.

I'm only human.

Jack Davenport

Oh. Hellooooooooooooo, Commodore.

Jack is just....the trifecta of all things splooshworthy. Tall, witty, handsome, British, talented. And that voice. That voice, you guys. Deep and rumbly and English and just the right sonic pitch to make my panties mysteriously disappear. It's so weird. I'm running out of panties.

infamy

image via yaya han

So, lately...or rather, for the last couple years...I've been struggling with myself. Things didn't go the way I planned back in high school, back in college. I'm twenty-seven. In high school, I thought that I'd be married, teaching, possibly a mother. In college, I thought I'd be in grad school. I thought I'd be successful.

I'm not.

I'm not where I want to be, and I hate it. A combination of depression and complete lack of self-confidence has kept me here for a long time.

And I'm over it.

So, I realized that a lot of my issues stem from expectations on me that aren't mine. Or, at least, not mine now. I'm going on the expectations of my family, my friends, and my former self, instead of what I feel is right for me now. I grew up in a traditional family, and most of my cousins my age or older are already married, engaged, having kids, and I'm...just not anywhere near that. I feel a lot of pressure to be there. But I know that right now, it's unrealistic. Marriage I could handle. Kids? No. Not even sure I want them, which would likely make most of my family blanch.

I also feel like a lot of my family doesn't care about success. Not in terms of how I define it. I feel like a lot of people around me want me to be happy in a 9-to-5 job that makes enough money for me to support myself and an okay lifestyle, and stay here in my hometown perfectly sated. And then find the obligatory husband and pop out babies.

But I'm starting to realize that that's not going to be enough for me. It makes me feel selfish, but for some reason, the idea of only a few people remembering me when I'm gone bothers me. In a few generations, no one will know my name. No one will care.

Or, that is, that's how it will be if I carry on like this.

Being loved by a few isn't enough for me. I want to be remembered. I want to know that in the future, schoolchildren will open a textbook and my name will be in it. I want to go down in history as someone who changed something.

I don't want to be famous.

I want to be infamous.

lundi links

image via ineedchemicalx

Long time, no see, poodles! Sorry for disappearing...moving and getting back into the groove of living in my hometown took longer than I expected. O.o But I'm back, with a plethora of procrastinatory aids to make up for it. ^_^

♦ A lovely post from Gala Darling about how she grew into the sparkly pink blogging maven she is today.

♦ "I promise to make sure I'm not just hungry before I yell at you." Great wedding vows we should hear more often.

♦ BBC created a site that shows you what summer Olympic sport your body type matches. Accurate? Probably not. But it's fun to play with.

♦ Speaking of Olympics, here is my favoritest couple in the world being royally cute at the events.

♦ Swamped by your inbox? Here, have some help.

♦ I used to dye flowers like this all the time, but I never realized your could make them rainbows! RAINBOW ALL THE THINGS.

♦ This. Yes.

♦ MySkins offers comfortable undergarments in TONS of skintones. Lovely!

♦ METALLIC JEANS, GET IN MY CLOSET.

♦ Medieval lingerie? My inner fashionista and history geeks are all a-flutter.

♦ Nail art taken to a whole new level.

♦ I didn't know that I needed a Walkman flask, but I know now.

♦ Katie shares my love of cafe-alone-time.

why not you?

unique individuals

My friend Joe takes us to church in a radical self love way. <3

things i love thursday

image via pqphotography

LOVE LOVE LOVE, I WANT YOUR LOVE.

♥ blanket forts ♥ making my blanket fort a check-in on foursquare ♥ officially joining the superfriends ♥ sharon needles winning drag race ♥ willambelliwillambelliwillambellieverythingwillambelli ♥ rupaul ♥ bdubs ♥ the 90's x-men animated series ♥ geekery in general ♥ sushi ♥ cute bartenders ♥ casino-bound bus trips ♥ mimosas ♥ pink pink pink ♥ my roommate running around in underwear and a batman apron ♥ new lesbian roommate! my life is turning into an episode of will & grace ♥

lundi links

image via society6

Not sure if that's true. I really love cupcakes, you guys. But the sentiment is sweet.

♦ Want to do what you love, but don't know where to start? Leo at Zenhabits made you a helpful how-to.

♦ During a slightly heated conversation between my mother and sister regarding the latter's upcoming nuptials and lack of get-up-and-go she is exhibiting in getting things arranged, I jokingly told my mom I would elope for her mental health. I was kidding, but these city hall weddings are so cute I'm starting to think that maybe an adorable little quickie ceremony might have something to it...

♦ I am sadly apartment-bound and can't paint my walls, but sometimes I see a color combo and just WANT. But...said color combo is a photo of a tropical bird, not a paint swatch. Never fear! LetsChipIt is a site that lets you upload photos and find the exact Sherwin-Williams paint colors to correspond. So...go paint your inspirations. And show me pictures so I can live vicariously through you.

♦ Are you a freelancer? If so, have you--God forbid--been screwed over by a client? Then check this out: the world's largest invoice, a website in which you can post how much you were stiffed and add to the massive amount shown. This website will then be submitted to lawmakers in order to try and pass a law that will help protect freelancers from this kind of fate.

♦ Laser-cut nori. Pretty? Yes. Necessary? No....except yes.

♦ Shauna wrote an excellent things to learn when you're 25-ish.

♦ I'm not one to not take credit for something impressive I've done. I'm not a braggart, and I don't go out of the way to say "LOOK WHAT I DID," but hey, I'm proud when I achieve something. If I've lost twenty pounds and you say "You look great," I'm not going to oh-p'shaw it. I'm going to tell you I just ate nothing but rabbit food and Jillian Michaels'd it until I passed out every night. Luckily, me and Sarah are on the same page.

♦ Kyla wrote this super-helpful guide to dealing with taxes when you're a self-employed freelancer.

♦ One of my dreams has always been to migrate to New York to become a writer. For now, I'll live vicariously through all of my sisters who have done it before.

♦ Blogger's Block? Joy's got an app for that.

♦ My parents have been visiting Vegas semi-annually for as long as I can remember. I'm not a big gambler, so I've always been lukewarm to the idea of visiting. Naturally, Gala Darling managed to make me want to go pretty hard.

♦ Katie always has the cutest ideas. Anonymous Easter egg hunt? So doing this next year. ^_^

♦ Rainbow parade. Yes.

♦ Random Wants: Dapper Gent Ring. Harley Quinn Leggings. A magic wand to make this coat grown-up-size.

top ten tuesday: things i learned from pinterest

I've decided to start a new weekly tradition: Top Ten Tuesday! Every week I'll have a top ten list of some kind, presented in list, picture, or video form! And yes, I'll take suggestions for lists to make. ^_^

As I've mentioned in the past, I'm pretty obsessed with Pinterest, to the point that if you told me you didn't like it, I'd just stare at you in blank shock. And then maybe push you over. Because that's just weird. I've come to notice a few trends on this addictive little site, so I thought I'd share them with you.

Ten Things I've Learned From Pinterest

1. Pallets and mason jars can become anything.

Seriously. At least 75% of the DIY projects on Pinterest start with mason jars or those wooden pallets you can yoink from your local grocery. Got a jar? Make a lamp, a wine glass, an organizer, a potted plant. Pallet? Couch, garden, house, y'know, whatever.

2. The rising gas prices are Barack Obama's fault.

Yup. The price of a commodity in our country was decided on by the president. It has nothing to do with us using the shit out of a non-renewable resource. When was the last time you took a bike instead of driving a few blocks? Then yeah, you don't get to complain, because you're part of the problem, Mr. Hummer.

3. Your religion makes you stupid, or your lack of one makes you immoral.

One of the big issues that pops up a lot on Pinterest is religion. Mostly because many people, religious or not, can't mind their own business and have to stick their big, fat, close-minded noses in other people's affairs. Now, I myself am a Christian, but I am very open-minded, and have friends and loved ones of all religions and creeds. Do I think my atheist, pagan, Wiccan, etc friends are going to Hell? Well, no, but that's not really my place to say. But apparently, that's not the case for many Christians on Pinterest, who love to comment on things such as gay pride-related images to tell people that homosexuality is an abomination, but then have a board full of tattoos on their profile (which, according to Leviticus, is an abomination along with homosexuality). Likewise, you see a perfectly lovely Bible quote that's about love and forgiveness, and an atheist will undoubtedly jump in and tell everyone how uneducated and stupid they are being for believing in a high power. I just...there's not winning. There really isn't.

4. Women are not very nice to each other.

One of the main things that I witness on Pinterest as a recurring theme is that women can be catty bitches. Honestly, it appears to be most women's favorite hobby to go around criticizing other women. This is a big issue in the concept of weight and health, and I've begun to notice that the main lashing is at women who are thinner than the national average. If you told a larger woman to get on a treadmill, you'd surely be attacked, but how many times do you hear someone tell a thin girl to eat a cheeseburger, or something to that effect? And the idea of a "real" woman being a woman who is on the curvier side....how do you think that makes those without curves who ARE ALSO REAL WOMEN feel? Pinterest actually has a rule along the lines of "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all," but no one listens. Anyone who says that men and the media are the reason that women are insecure are absolutely incorrect; it is other women that cause the issue.

5. No boys allowed.

Also, Pinterest is sexist. Well, not Pinterest itself, but some of its users. I feel like every time that a man makes a comment on a pin, a woman comes in and says something to the effect of men not belonging on Pinterest. Who the fuck says?

Also, ladies, if you have a board filled with nothing but male eye candy, you're no longer allowed to judge men for ogling women. For cereal.

6. Disney created unrealistic expectations of everything ever.

The most common pins of this nature are that it gave us unrealistic expectations of men and hair. But let's not act like it didn't make men expect us to be perfect, gorgeous, petite and proper little princesses, either. Oh, and if you're expecting reality to be like a cartoon, you're clearly a bit touched, anyway.

7. Cupcakes and kittens make everything better.

Pretty sure this isn't just a Pinterestism, but scientific fact.

8. Never throw anything away.

Anything can be made into anything else. See #1.

9. No fiancé(e) does not equal no wedding.

100% of pinners have a board focused on a future wedding.

1% of pinners are engaged and planning an actual wedding.

My name is Emerie, and I am the 99%.

10. Citations and credit are unimportant.

"You have enemies? Good. That means that you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."

The source? Winston Churchill. The source according to Pinterest? Eminem. Whatevs.

things i love thursday

image via c-victoria

Remember how Things I Love Thursday was supposed to happen every Thursday?

The last one here on VLG was in January.

NAILED IT.

♥ the food at family get-togethers, omg 4000 calories GET IN MY MOUTH ♥ my rogue hair XD ♥ an easter basket from my roommate full of woodchuck cider and a comic book ♥ my cat leaving a mouse in my roommate's toilet and roommate's subsequent reaction ♥ c2e2 tomorrow!!! ♥ going back to school to become a paralegal (real career? you don't say!) ♥ new pens ♥ impromptu wig parties ♥ zak bagans ♥ plastic tiaras ♥ my cheesy biscuits being a TOTAL success at easter dinner ♥ my transgender cousin having a "boob voyage" party to celebrate his breast removal surgery (so sad i can't attend, but i'll be playing with fanboys in chicago) ♥ dance parties with my sister (videos coming soon!) ♥ this sneak peek at lime crime's upcoming palette! i liked the chinadoll one, but this one takes the cake! pun entirely intended ♥ lewd prank calls at work that are less offensive and more giggle-/blush-inducing ♥ having my rogue costume finally coming together ♥ my polyester blend gloves taking the fabric dye like a champ ♥ my mommy ♥ jared ♥ andrew ♥ waking up next to a snuggly, purring kitty

i want

image via huhahohi

I want to start over.

I want to feel like I do more than work and sleep.

I want to feel challenged.

I want to feel like I'm worth something and valued.

I want to wake up without an anxiety attack and go to sleep without tears.

I want to love my job.

I want to be appreciated.

I want to be healthy and beautiful.

I want to fall madly in love and be madly loved in return.

I want to have everything that was promised to me when I was a little girl.

I want to run away, put gas in my car, drive until it dies, and stay there.

I want to know that I'm still meant to be here.

I want to know that there's something out there for me.

I want to be her.

my family is awesome

Just wanted to share how amazing my sister and her fiancé are. Points to whoever spots the Key of Awesome reference. ♥

lundi links

image via daily dose of happy

So, big things happening over here, ya'll! I'm job-hunting, apartment-hunting, applying to go back to school, and starting a new ridiculous workout that'll undoubtedly kick my ass. But I'm certainly not too busy to waste time on the internet, and I'm here to make sure you do the same. ^_^

♦ If you go here and leave a comment with one thing you love about your body, the Huffington Pot Media Group will donate a dollar to Girls Inc, an organization that promotes strength and self-esteem to young girls. How awesome is that?

♦ Orange isn't really my favorite shade, but I can't get over how absolutely stunning this woman looks in her orange wedding dress! I'm all for breaking the mold at weddings, and this must have been show-stopping!

♦ This article about Steve Martin really gets me thinking...it's never too late to start something new!

♦ Sometimes it's hard to truly measure success. Many people consider you successful when you have a lot of money, but Dawn discusses what she feels makes one successful.

♦ A collection of vintage stewardess uniforms. Love!

♦ Tired of your same old soul-sucking job? Thinking about just quitting without much idea of what's ahead? Here's six tips to make the transition easier.

♦ Time Magazine has released their list of the 100 Greatest Fashion Icons Of All Time. LOVE LOVE LOVE I WANT YOUR LOVE.

lundi links

image via koukei

Happy Monday! They exist, I promise! While I don't like going back to work after a weekend, Mondays are my favorite day of the week because all of my friends come over for boneless wings, cheap wine, and RuPaul's Drag Race! Serving up some lazy night realness!

♦ I can't remember the last time I received flowers (ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, ALL THE SINGLE LADIES), but I know my parents have a cupboard full of old vases. Apartment Therapy has made a list of ways to use those vases for something other than...well...being vases.

♦ The Swatchaholic is having a HUGE makeup sale. BUY ALL THE THINGS.

♦ There's nothing worse than the shock you experience when you went to the male to buy ONE THING and then...buy pretty much the entire mall. Here's a way to keep costs down and avoid traps while shopping.

♦ More gold from Apartment Therapy (hands down my favorite interior decorating blog): how to de-stress your bedroom. I need to do this once I'm in my new apartment...I'll be living on my own (for the first time ever!) so I'll be able to keep my office and bedroom separate.

♦ Geekery-based kitchen stuff makes me happy.

♦ I don't know how well this would work, but I'm pretty sure I need this citrus spritzer.

♦ I sometimes worry that my personal style is a bit too "young" or "funky" for a woman in her late twenties. But this article by Sal about age and fashion makes me just think "BRING ON THE SEQUINS, GODDAMMIT."

♦ Oh. Oh, this. Do want.

♦ For those who are looking to spice up their résumés but don't have much (or any!) experience with design, Loft Résumés will take your existing résumé and spruce it up with any of their pre-made templates. Lovely!

♥

image via redhotkiedis33

So, this may not seem important to everyone, but it is to me.

Blogger, the site I use to host this blog, has a Stats page where you can see things like how many times a post has been read, how your readers find your blog, what country they're from, etc.

It also shows what phrases were typed into Google in order to find your blog.

Two of the phrases this week were "I care about myself" and "self love."

This makes my heart happy.

<3

lundi links

image via lieveheerbeestje

It's been a busy time for me, dolls, what with a recent vacation and a recent new romance (ooh la la!). So I thoroughly apologize for being so absent, but I'm sure with that information, you'll forgive me. ;)

And now, the posts!

♦ NEW MARU VIDEO!

♦ To-do list not quite doing it for you? How about making a gorgeous visual board of your goals? Might be turning a wall of my bedroom into this. LOVE IT.

♦ This mom makes it a point to tell her daughters that she thinks she is beautiful. It's an amazing message, and something I wish my mom would do now.

♦ So, I'm sure every one of you has a Pinterest, so it's not new to you. But I also have one, and I thought I'd share. Follow me and drop a comment here, so I can follow all of my poodles, too!

anonymous nastiness

image via hayley jane

That precious little unicorn up there is one Miss Hayley Jane. I had the pleasure of meeting Hayley Jane at the Michigan Renaissance Festival, and became an instant fan. Hayley Jane is really an absolute renaissance woman. She's a songwriter, singer, instrumental musician, costume designer, seamstress, burlesque dancer, model, sexual health advocate...you name it, she's probably dabbled in it. She is remarkably talented, and a very nice person who is always willing to say hello.

Hayley Jane has a Formspring account. For those of you that aren't familiar, Formspring is a social networking site that allows you to ask anonymous questions to members for them to answer publicly. It's a fun tool for the most part, especially in the case of Hayley Jane, who dips her toes into subject matter that some people may be embarrassed about (though they shouldn't! <3).

But lately, Hayley Jane has been getting a slew of anonymous questions that seem to be calling her out on things she said or did in high school, or insulting her, and basically making her feel horrible. It breaks my heart, because I've never seen this young woman be anything but sweet to anyone who speaks to her, and she's just doing what she loves and encourages everyone to do the same.

This got me thinking about the whole idea of anonymous internet bullying. It's like an epidemic lately. I admit, being anonymous is a great way to break through inhibitions; it's easier to speak your mind when people can't judge you directly for it. But using an anonymous forum in order to simply hurt someone is just so [i]wrong[/i]. Take this one that was recently posted to Hayley Jane's Formspring:

Sometimes, I feel like you're a stranger and you never really liked me. You just pitied me.

Needless to say, Hayley Jane was at a loss for words, because how do you respond to something like that, having no idea who said it? That sort of thing is just looking to guilt a person, and to do it anonymously really irks me.

I have a rule for myself on the interwebs: Don't type it if you wouldn't say it. If I wouldn't say it to a person's face, I won't say it on the internet. Which, I suppose, doesn't limit me that much, because I'm pretty brassy and tend to say exactly what's on my mind. But I try not to be nasty. Snarky, perhaps. But not nasty. I know how karma works.

And there's a difference between bullying and trolling. Trolling is usually obvious and on the humorous side, though sometimes trolling will cross that fine line into bullying. Bullying is just mean, and nasty, and something I will never tolerate, be it on my blog, on my Facebook, in real life, anywhere. I wish that there was an Internet Police (thanks, crazy-ass Youtube Dad!) that would patrol this kind of thing, because honestly, it's just sucky.

Anonymous Internet People: Grow up, grow balls, grow vaginas, whatever it takes for you to deal with your troubles face-to-face instead of hiding. It may make you feel better superficially to make someone hurt, but remember that it's going to circle back on you.

Oh, and by the way...totally check out Hayley Jane. ;)

(late!) lundi links

image via eliseenchanted

I am just so very bad at sticking to a schedule with this bloody blog. To apologize for my persistent flakiness, I present to you not only the most perfect glittery bubble and sparkliness above, but a super-huge link list for your enjoyment and procrastinatory (NEW WORD!) needs!

♦ When my obsession with nail polish and my nostalgic lurve of Ninja Turtles come together, it's beautiful.

♦ So, I've recently noticed that I repost a lot of Sally's articles. Pretty sure you should just follow her blog, because she's stylish, smart, and has great body image articles. Need more convincing? Here are some of her recent articles on thrifting, fancy schmanciness, and a post featuring what has inspired my new dire need for a bright yellow blazer.

♦ Here's a great article regarding body image and fashion/makeup. This kind of sums up my thoughts on the matter quite well; you can be completely in love with your body and appearance while still enjoying the frillier parts of being a woman.

♦ Here's a list of the best times to go shopping, whether you love it or hate it. Keep it stress-free and wallet-friendly!

♦ I need to make a poster of this infographic to help me kick my horrible pop addiction.

♦ I feel like I've posted this before, but the fact that I'm not sure only reiterates that I need to post it again.

♦ 50 Ways To Say "You're Awesome"

♦ "It's not an audition, it's a performance." This article really hit home with me. I need to live life like that.

♦ Everygirl has launched, and will be my new guideline to life.

♦ Oh, the nineties. You were somethin'.

♦ This will either make you feel huge, or insignificant. Either way, it's super cool and geeky. ^_^

♦ This blogger has all kinds of super-cute hairstyle tutorials. Me gusta.

♦ Sarah is another blogger I find myself reposting a lot. I feel like she gets me, and my need to feel like a spoiled rich kind on a broke post-college kid's budget.

q+a 2.0

As per usual, language and content warnings. <3

dream impossible

image via eliseenchanted

A long time ago, I had a conversation with my then-boyfriend about what we valued most in the world. What was the most important to us. I said the typical...my family, my friends, love. His response?

"Time. It's the only thing you have a finite amount of, and can never get back once you've lost it."

Back then, I didn't agree with that being so important. I still don't put it at the top of my list, however, in the past few months I've started to realize how important my time is.

For those of you who don't know me, I work forty (or more) hours a week in a customer service call center. It's a steady job, it pays the bills, and has great insurance and benefits.

Because of all this, I feel like a spoiled, over-indulged brat when I tell you that I hate my job. I don't hate the company, I love the coworkers, but I loathe the actual job more than I can possibly describe. It is basically my job to be yelled at by people all over the world for things that are not my fault, and are frequently their fault, and I'm expected to just take it and stay happy and smiling. I'm sorry, but with the amount of money I spent on my education, I just feel that I'm meant for more.

The issue with this is that so many people in my life don't understand that. They don't get why I'm so unhappy when I have a decent, stable job in this unstable economy. Granted, it's not that I'm ungrateful, I'm just not happy. But still, a lot of my friends are happy with having a job. Their happiness and fulfillment comes from other places; raising their families, socializing in bars, snuggling with their significant others.

And while this is all well and good, and kudos to them for finding their happiness, but I've never been wired quite like a lot of my friends and family. My mother and sister, for example, have always been more family-oriented; their main goals were to get married and be mommies. Which is awesome (because Mommy is the toughest job ever!), and they've achieved that (well, my sister isn't quite married yet--JUNE!--but she is a mommy and a great one at that), so they're happy despite not having glamorous (and in my mom's case, enjoyable) jobs. My roommate waits tables and works his ass off, and his entire budget rests on whether other people are cheap bastards or not, which is stressful enough even without the added stress of the typical serving job. But his happy place is the social sphere, hanging out at bars (and sometimes at home) and dancing and being young and free and happy. And then there are countless others who have found that perfect someone and get to come home to wedded/cohabitational/conjugal visit bliss night after night.

I have no family of my own. I'm becoming a homebody in my "old age" and don't like barhopping much anymore (occasionally, but certainly not once or more a week!) and I've always been very demanding of my alone time. And I'm single (hooray). So, that leaves...a career.

Not that the career is what I'm settling for in lieu of those other things. I feel like I've always known that I'd be a career-first kind of person, or rather, a creativity-first person. My problem is that I'm too creative for my own good; I'm always coming up with plot bunnies, ideas, and projects that I don't have the money, time, and sometimes drive to see through. Gift and a curse, I suppose.

It's catching up to me, though. I'm starting to see what he meant by time being important, because having just celebrated my twenty-seventh birthday, I'm starting to suddenly feel the sands sliding between my fingers, and looking back at what I've done--or, more accurately, haven't done--is beginning to wear on me. Regrets are wringing at me like I'm a used, dirty towel that's good for nothing but smearing around the stains of my lack of fulfillment instead of cleaning them up and making them presentable.

I'm ashamed of myself, and I never used to be.

There are certain people in my life that I have accused of clinging to their past. The bachelor who criticizes his friends for falling in love, the girl who keeps going back to that boy despite the fact that he doesn't love her, the boy who refuses to trust me because of what she did to him. I never realized that I was doing the same thing. I'm grasping onto the familiarity, the safeness, the stability of my past because that's comforting and humans like comfort.

But I'm bigger than comfort. I can feel it.

I was talking to One Man Support Group Andrew (Imma make him a name badge...) about this, and in his usual OMSGA fashion (that'll catch on, I swear to God), he helped me break it down.

"What is your goal?" he asked.

My goal is to be my own boss. Ideally, I want to have my own freelance writing company, whether it be on my own or a collaboration. I want to afford to live the way I want to by doing something I really, really love doing, in this case, writing.

The issue is this: as mentioned, I work 40+ hours a week at a desk job where I can't be working on my own projects. I also have a LOT of friends, in different circles, many of which are at that position of serenity I mentioned before, and find their happiness through socializing. And some of them (most of them) don't understand why I'm suddenly starting to shy away from that lifestyle. It's not that I have any problem with said lifestyle, because as long as you're being responsible and safe and happy, I'm cool with ya, behbeh.

The problem is...friends can be needy. I love all of my friends, but at the same time, having so many great friends means that so many great friends want to hang out with you a lot, which means that evenings get claimed by others very quickly. Which leaves little to zero time to devote to trying to get my own projects off the ground. And, as I've mentioned before, I'm so very horrible at telling my friends that no, I don't want to hang out tonight. DAMN YOU, CATHOLIC GUILT.

I have only had two people in my life tell me to do whatever makes me happy, regardless of others' opinions. Those two people? Andrew, and the aforementioned ex. They're the only two people ever who have said to me "Do what's best for you," without the usual suffix of "but I miss hanging out with you," or "if that's what makes you happy" with the guilt and the tearing of my heart. Andrew, in fact, gets a little scary and capslocky with it, but that's only because he knows me too well and has to bulldoze through my stubbornness. I understand that people miss me when I can't hang out, or will miss me if I leave, or worry about me taking risks, and I appreciate it, but at the same time...they don't realize how unhappy I am here. Very few people do. In fact...only those lone two again.

My conversation with Andrew led me to realize that my only option is to sacrifice my happiness right now for happiness later. There's two ways to do this. First, to go part-time at work in order to free up some time to work on my own projects while still maintaining some semblance of a social life. And second...keep steamrolling on at full-time, and pretty much eliminate my social life, so that I have time to devote to getting my career off the ground. It has to be less money, or less fun, and neither decision is going to be an easy or fun one.

Regardless...things have to change. I'm never going to be anything living the way that I do now. I need to do something drastic. And I need the people in my life to realize that I need to be selfish with my time and my life in order to be what I want to be.

And what I want to be is everything.

This is the gamechanger, folks. No more depression, no more anxiety, no more popping pills just so I can make it through a shift without crying. No more feeling guilty for not being social because I have a dream that's bigger than this town, and no more spending money to make myself feel better temporarily because that money is my ticket for escape and freedom. No more letting other people tell me to play it safe.

Safe hasn't done shit for me so far.

Bigger than life.

Dream Impossible. <3